About recovering from depression and suicide.

Political Rant, #2

Ten years. Ten years of unrelenting fear. Yes, fear and loss of liberty. The thing is al-Qaeda did not take it away from us, we surrendered to fear and gave up our liberty when we allowed our legislators to vote in the soi-disant ‘Patriot Act’.

Patriot Act. What a crock of feces. I suppose I should believe that anything that makes a mockery of the phrases “land of the free and the brave” or “pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness” is a patriotic thing. Right, patriotic.

I was born just before the Cuban Missile Crisis of 1962, and raised during some of the worst of the Cold War. I remember bomb drills as well as fire drills. Get under the desk, hug your legs, and kiss your ass goodbye. I have no problem with believing that we will be attacked again and again on our own soil.

History shows that the quickest way for a population to be attacked is for them to develop a fortress mentality. When you put up walls you create a challenge. When you demonstrate that you are afraid of attack, you demonstrate weakness of will and lack of confidence. You essentially show your opponent where you are vulnerable and invite attack.

In light of this the “Patriot Act” becomes an insane act. It sets up and defines our weakness, a population afraid of defending itself and willing to allow its freedom to be abrogated, even removed in hopes of becoming safe. This is the very process that Europe followed in the Middle Ages with the Feudal System.

Now, however, we don’t have a hereditary system, we have an oligarchic system. Money not only talks, it takes over. Free-market capitalism, once a viable and active stimulus on our culture (and yes, I do recognize the ills it had), is now returned to its Robber-Baron mode of the mid-1800s – early 1900s and fueling political and legislative changes in order to preserve its power. In the process, we are allowing the slow development of a fascist state in the name of national security, much as Germany in the 1930s did.

This is not the ‘wolf-crying’ of movies or novels, this is a process that is happening right before our eyes and by both our actions and inactions. When we say you can’t fight city hall, when we shrug our shoulders and say what can I do, when we think we are powerless, that is when we allow our freedom to be taken. When we say we have to be protected, instead of protecting ourselves; when we delegate our self-responsibility to another, instead of standing up for ourselves; when we allow fear to dictate our actions, instead of courage; we become slaves within our gilded cages.

In these United States of America, we have done these things and continue to do them. We trade our essential liberty for elusive security and are become the land of the chained and home of the cowardly.

So, wherein is sanity, bravery, and freedom?


June 1, 2011 Posted by | Uncategorized | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

And I have problems?

“HELP! I’m currently being held prisoner by the Russian mafia xyzrxyz “penis enlargement” xyzrxyz and being forced to post spam comments on blogs and forum! If you don’t approve this they will kill me. xyzrxyz “penis enlargement” xyzrxyz They’re coming back now. xyzrxyz (some drug name) xyzrxyz Please send help! nitip (same drug name)”

That was in my spam comments. I have deleted it, but not before copying it for this post.

One of the contributing factors to my depression is assuming people are honest and trustworthy. I tend to take them as they present themselves. As we all know, this can lead to severe disappointment. Frequent severe disappointment.

Now, couple that with a deep sense of loyalty. (Can you see where this is going?) It takes alot to really shake my loyalty. Even to this day I am loyal to certain people most others would have consigned to the enemies list, even to people who have tossed me aside like old garbage.

My initial reaction on reading this spam comment was guilt. It was posted awhile back. I COULD HAVE SAVED THEM!!!


Oh, no, I could not because this was a spam comment – truly a spam comment. I mean, seriously, being forced to post spam about penis enlargement? Not even the most outta whack conspiracy theorists would buy that. Besides, I have not had any complaints about my penis size, so I figure I’m ok in that regard.

The guilt actually lasted only microseconds, the amusement over the gimmick of the note for about three minutes, and the satisfaction about my penis size is just background noise more or less.

But think about this; that bit of spam is a sign of corporate despair, depression if you will. A patently false plea for help crudely masking a clumsy sales pitch. It reminds me of one of our botched suicide attempts.

You know, the ones where we wait until just before someone walks in to stand on a chair with a noose around our necks, or we swallow a bottle of Advil and wash it down with milk, or we stand on a ledge and threaten to jump but let ourselves be talked down. These are usually clumsily effective ways to get help; they can, however, tragically misfire. We lose our balance as the person decides not to come in because they forgot something in the other room, we decide to gain courage and drink alot of alcohol then accidentally grab the bottle of sleeping pills, or we slip and fall to our deaths.

The spam notices are also usually clumsily effective ways to get help – in the form of sales. Well constructed ones do get our attention, if they make it past the filters. But the poor ones, even if they make it past the filters, turn us off and generate spam complaints to our ISPs and mail servers, as well as causing us to update our filter settings and spam blockers. Ultimately, that spam generator ends up rendering itself useless – it completes its suicide.

This is why it is imperative, not just for yourself but for all of us, to get help without attempting suicide. There are approximately 30000 reported suicides per year (see earlier posts), and more unreported. This is a waste. I don’t want you to die. I don’t care if you are Hitler re-born, you can break the cycle, you can redeem yourself, you can be just as happy – and no more miserable – than anyone else. You can live.

I don’t think suicide is cowardly. I just don’t think it works very well. If you complete the act, the suffering stops, but you stop everything else as well and get no benefit from it. Also, you may actually complete the act when you really did not want to. If you don’t complete the act, for whatever reason, you run the risk of not being believed, of being ridiculed, and of not getting help. All of which increase your suffering and depression.

Besides which, think about this. There are people who do love you, even if you don’t know it, and people who will love you, even though it may be hard believe it. You end up hurting them unnecessarily. And, what about the people who contribute to your depression and suicidal thinking? Why give them the satisfaction? What better revenge than to overcome the effect they have on you? The very fact of your getting better is the best revenge ever; you don’t even need to flaunt it, they don’t even have to know!

Anti-depressant meds are a great short- and medium-term way to re-balance your neurochemistry. You may have to stay on them permanently, but they last longer than suicide and are ultimately more satisfying.

Therapy is for the entire course. It can help you find mechanisms to deal with the immediate deep depression (The Pit), find long-term mechanisms to manage depression, help you undo the habits of depressive thinking and perception, and may even help your neurochemistry re-balance on its own. You may need frequent sessions at first, but as you adjust to your meds and the therapy begins its longer term effects, you may reduce the frequency and continue reducing it until you only need ‘spot-checks’ or special sessions to help with a particularly difficult situation.

September 11, 2010 Posted by | depression, recovery, suicide, Uncategorized | , , , | Leave a comment


This most recent post hurts a lot.  I had to intellectualize heavily to deal with the situation; as  result, I wrote it out so that I would not wallow in it.

These posts are not intended to set forth Reality in concrete.  They are therapy, and in some respects, are like a member of a bomb-squad talking to the folks out of harm’s way.  If the bomb goes off, I’ll have gone down clipping wires.  If the bomb goes off, maybe someone somewhere can use the data to help someone else.

OK, OK, I know that is conceited.  But, does that make it any less useful?  We are all whistling in the dark, and this is my tune.

June 20, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment


I don’t know how I am going to finish off the 7 Days thingy, so it is on hold, obviously. I will be posting some stuff here either later this week or early next week. Also, I am blogging for Art Savvy at, if you are interested…

April 21, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment


In case anyone is interested, I am also blogging about Art at:

April 14, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment


Going through a bad phase right now. I cannot feel content, satisfied, or even relieved when I complete a task or piece of work. It all just seems so pointless, even to just keep plugging on knowing that this will pass. *sigh*

April 6, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment


Have not been able to get to a computer until the past few days. Depression welled up in me beyond my meds and own ability to handle. Have scrapped my day zero writing; yeeesh, it was bad on so many levels.
Will post when I can write again.

March 1, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Day Zero update

For any one who cares, I have been working on Day Zero.  It is an attempt to give a factual account of what had happened prior to attempting suicide in Aug.  I am not pointing fingers, I am just giving a bare-bones account and trying to leave out all the “who killed who” type crap.

It is pretty much finished, and I will be publishing it as a draft; I am hoping to get constructive criticism and feedback.

January 26, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Seven and Zero

Well, if anyone is following this, 7 and 0 are still delayed. I am currently in the midst of this loooooovely winter snow. It is hampering my access to online computer time; c’est la vie, n’est-ce pas?

January 7, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

day seven and zero, soooooon

I thought I was having a lot of touble with day six, but that has turned out to be a cake walk compared to 7 and 0.  Mostly this is due to my ex deciding to behave like she is still a valued part of my life and my inability at the time to handle her mode of expressing herself, but also in part bcos I am at a hard part of recovery.  Emerging, really emerging.  Not just going outside and not thinking I have “suicidal” or “depressive” tattooed across my forehead, but also going outside with the idea of meeting new people, people I have no prior connection to in anyway.

(sigh)  Job hunting, finding a studio to live in, a life.  A way of taking the next steps in this relationship I am in.  Of getting my art out where it is seen, not just here on the internet.  Of living again.

January 2, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

flash update, update

OK, I pulled down yesterday’s “flash update”, so if anyone read it, well, let’s just say that in some senses I was right and in others I was wrong, way wrong.

It seems her nastygram was her way of starting a dialogue so she could inform me that she has remarried.  I have a lot to say on that subject and such, but this is not the forum for it.

Does this feed the depression?  Of course it does.  Especially since she chose the day before the first anniversary of our divorce to send a nastygram and provoke a response.  It felt like being married to her all over again, without any of the dubious benefits.

I write this knowing she or her new husband may read it.  Knowing that she still cares enough that she just had to, had to send a nastygram when she could have just left things alone, or send a letter via my sister, as I have constantly requested..  Through the depression I can see how sad, how pathetic, how desperate that was.

So, I give them this gift.  May they get everything they truly deserve, no matter what it is, no matter what I may think it is.

December 15, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment