bearthinking

About recovering from depression and suicide.

And I have problems?

“HELP! I’m currently being held prisoner by the Russian mafia xyzrxyz “penis enlargement” xyzrxyz and being forced to post spam comments on blogs and forum! If you don’t approve this they will kill me. xyzrxyz “penis enlargement” xyzrxyz They’re coming back now. xyzrxyz (some drug name) xyzrxyz Please send help! nitip (same drug name)”

That was in my spam comments. I have deleted it, but not before copying it for this post.

One of the contributing factors to my depression is assuming people are honest and trustworthy. I tend to take them as they present themselves. As we all know, this can lead to severe disappointment. Frequent severe disappointment.

Now, couple that with a deep sense of loyalty. (Can you see where this is going?) It takes alot to really shake my loyalty. Even to this day I am loyal to certain people most others would have consigned to the enemies list, even to people who have tossed me aside like old garbage.

My initial reaction on reading this spam comment was guilt. It was posted awhile back. I COULD HAVE SAVED THEM!!!

<smack>

Oh, no, I could not because this was a spam comment – truly a spam comment. I mean, seriously, being forced to post spam about penis enlargement? Not even the most outta whack conspiracy theorists would buy that. Besides, I have not had any complaints about my penis size, so I figure I’m ok in that regard.

The guilt actually lasted only microseconds, the amusement over the gimmick of the note for about three minutes, and the satisfaction about my penis size is just background noise more or less.

But think about this; that bit of spam is a sign of corporate despair, depression if you will. A patently false plea for help crudely masking a clumsy sales pitch. It reminds me of one of our botched suicide attempts.

You know, the ones where we wait until just before someone walks in to stand on a chair with a noose around our necks, or we swallow a bottle of Advil and wash it down with milk, or we stand on a ledge and threaten to jump but let ourselves be talked down. These are usually clumsily effective ways to get help; they can, however, tragically misfire. We lose our balance as the person decides not to come in because they forgot something in the other room, we decide to gain courage and drink alot of alcohol then accidentally grab the bottle of sleeping pills, or we slip and fall to our deaths.

The spam notices are also usually clumsily effective ways to get help – in the form of sales. Well constructed ones do get our attention, if they make it past the filters. But the poor ones, even if they make it past the filters, turn us off and generate spam complaints to our ISPs and mail servers, as well as causing us to update our filter settings and spam blockers. Ultimately, that spam generator ends up rendering itself useless – it completes its suicide.

This is why it is imperative, not just for yourself but for all of us, to get help without attempting suicide. There are approximately 30000 reported suicides per year (see earlier posts), and more unreported. This is a waste. I don’t want you to die. I don’t care if you are Hitler re-born, you can break the cycle, you can redeem yourself, you can be just as happy – and no more miserable – than anyone else. You can live.

I don’t think suicide is cowardly. I just don’t think it works very well. If you complete the act, the suffering stops, but you stop everything else as well and get no benefit from it. Also, you may actually complete the act when you really did not want to. If you don’t complete the act, for whatever reason, you run the risk of not being believed, of being ridiculed, and of not getting help. All of which increase your suffering and depression.

Besides which, think about this. There are people who do love you, even if you don’t know it, and people who will love you, even though it may be hard believe it. You end up hurting them unnecessarily. And, what about the people who contribute to your depression and suicidal thinking? Why give them the satisfaction? What better revenge than to overcome the effect they have on you? The very fact of your getting better is the best revenge ever; you don’t even need to flaunt it, they don’t even have to know!

Anti-depressant meds are a great short- and medium-term way to re-balance your neurochemistry. You may have to stay on them permanently, but they last longer than suicide and are ultimately more satisfying.

Therapy is for the entire course. It can help you find mechanisms to deal with the immediate deep depression (The Pit), find long-term mechanisms to manage depression, help you undo the habits of depressive thinking and perception, and may even help your neurochemistry re-balance on its own. You may need frequent sessions at first, but as you adjust to your meds and the therapy begins its longer term effects, you may reduce the frequency and continue reducing it until you only need ‘spot-checks’ or special sessions to help with a particularly difficult situation.

September 11, 2010 Posted by | depression, recovery, suicide, Uncategorized | , , , | Leave a comment